Sometimes, I look back a year ago from this moment, and I think to myself, “Damn, that was a year ago?” And then next year, at this day and time, I’ll be like “Damn, THAT was a year ago?” Time feels like it goes by way to slow, but then looking in retrospect, I feel like time is passing by way too fast. How do I deal with this conundrum?
Last year, I was 20 years old, living in Sacramento, finishing up an internship, and getting ready to move away from home for the second time. At this very moment, I am 21 years old, living in the East Bay, working two jobs, volunteering, searching for internships, going to Cal, and getting ready to move to another place. So, even though it doesn’t really look like things are different, it FEELS a whole lot different. But in the best way possible.
I’m still with the person I was with last year. I still maintain the friendships I had. I still feel like the same person. I still look like the same person; I’m still in the same body.
I think this is the beginning of the rest of my life.
Cheers to packing my entire life in cardboard boxes again. It never gets old; it only gets better.
I took a trip yesterday to San Francisco to see Mitra Fabian’s solo exhibition “Concentric” at the Don Soker Contemporary Art gallery. Despite the fact that it was pouring rain anywhere you stop along I 80 I really wanted to see this show. Mitra, who is an old professor and somewhat of a mentor of mine from Sac City college, is a sculpture artist who works with various atypical materials. It seems that tape and plastic film materials and large organic forms are a common thread in her work. In “Concentric” her delicate pieces are perfectly contrasted by the gallery’s decaying, urban interior. There was a lot to take in with in the space, and everything calls for a considerable amount of attention. Especially the large floor installation titled “Into the Deep” which was made of over a mile of black tape, and the extremely fragile glass vile sculptures. So if you happen to be in the area the show is up until April 14th. Check it out.
Mitra Fabian’s website
Don Soker gallery
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
Indisputably, I am that stubborn, headstrong “I am absolutely right 100% of the time, and you are wrong” type of girl. Even when I know I’m wrong, I’ll spend 15 minutes convincing you why I am right, rather than admit my mistake. I am still convinced that I can do whatever I want, that I will someday become a rockstar, become fluent in 10 different languages, become a best-selling novelist, and become a Blair Waldorf-type character. I did everything my mom didn’t want me to do: I refused to become a Nurse or get a medical degree, took that extra 5th year to graduate, I moved to another city, fell in love with a White guy instead of a Filipino guy, and work a lot more than I actually should. Nonsensical? Probably. But I would never in a million years imagine myself always following a preset path instead of doing whatever the hell I want.
If you asked me 4 years ago if I thought I would be studying at my dream school/UC Berkeley or living my current lifestyle I would probably think it was a stretch. Sometimes, I still think it’s a stretch. If a made a couple of decisions differently, I most likely would have ended up somewhere else, living a totally different life. I’ll still wonder if I did it right or if I am doing it right.
Everyone says when you get older, you figure everything out and everything just falls into place. Every day, I get a little bit older, and I don’t feel like I’ve figured out my entire life. I am fickle and indecisive. I change my mind every single day. I feel like the older I get, the more I realize that I have limitless possibilities and opportunities to choose from. But at the same time, there are constrictions that come along.
Some people got it “all figured out”: Graduate, go to Grad school, find a sugar-daddy husband, have 3 kids, make millions of dollars. I don’t want any of that. But I do. I want permanence. I want unpredictability. I want to stay here forever. I want to move somewhere else. I hate Sacramento. I miss my hometown. I want to be older. I want to go back to being that eighteen-year-old. Despite it all, I wouldn’t take anything back.
I’ll have my cake and eat it too. And save some for later. I always want more, and I want it all.
People spend years attempting to figure out their life and trying to “find themselves.” But I don’t want to figure it all out. I don’t want to “find myself.” Nothing is more scary than figuring it all out.
Welp. About a month ago my buddy Mike and I went on another backpacking trip at Point Reyes National Seashore in Marin County California. This time around we went for 3 days and two nights instead of one night. We surprisingly had enough energy this time to actually to touch the ocean. Anyways, here’s a few shots from our voyage. Enjoy.