Indisputably, I am that stubborn, headstrong “I am absolutely right 100% of the time, and you are wrong” type of girl. Even when I know I’m wrong, I’ll spend 15 minutes convincing you why I am right, rather than admit my mistake. I am still convinced that I can do whatever I want, that I will someday become a rockstar, become fluent in 10 different languages,  become a best-selling novelist, and become a Blair Waldorf-type character. I did everything my mom didn’t want me to do: I refused to become a Nurse or get a medical degree, took that extra 5th year to graduate,  I moved to another city, fell in love with a White guy instead of a Filipino guy, and work a lot more than I actually should. Nonsensical? Probably. But I would never in a million years imagine myself always following a preset path instead of doing whatever the hell I want.

If you asked me 4 years ago if I thought I would be studying at my dream school/UC Berkeley or living my current lifestyle I would probably think it was a stretch. Sometimes, I still think it’s a stretch. If a made a couple of decisions differently, I most likely would have ended up somewhere else, living a totally different life. I’ll still wonder if I did it right or if I am doing it right.

Everyone says when you get older, you figure everything out and everything just falls into place. Every day, I get a little bit older, and I don’t feel like I’ve figured out my entire life. I am fickle and indecisive. I change my mind every single day. I feel like the older I get, the more I realize that I have limitless possibilities and opportunities to choose from. But at the same time, there are constrictions that come along.

Some people got it “all figured out”: Graduate, go to Grad school, find a sugar-daddy husband, have 3 kids, make millions of dollars.  I don’t want any of that. But I do. I want permanence. I want unpredictability. I want to stay here forever. I want to move somewhere else.  I hate Sacramento. I miss my hometown.  I want to be older. I want to go back to being that eighteen-year-old. Despite it all, I wouldn’t take anything back.

I’ll have my cake and eat it too. And save some for later. I always want more, and I want it all.

People spend years attempting to figure out their life and trying to “find themselves.”  But I don’t want to figure it all out. I don’t want to “find myself.” Nothing is more scary than figuring it all out.

Jamie

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January 13, 2012 · 12:16 am

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